Stream of consciousness review: True Lies

  • Welcome back onto the Schwarzenegger train, next stop, an ass kicking.
  • Back with James Cameron too, that has to be a good thing.
  • Tom Arnold!? Good god no.
  • Bill Paxton!? Good god yes.
  • Wait, this is the start of Metal Gear Solid.
  • This is significantly colder than Arnolds last ingress into occupied territory. No speedos this time.
  • But there is a tactical tuxedo!
  • Arnie speaking French, that’s… quite disconcerting.
  • Surely a cover to get into this party would have been easier than the scuba lake intrusion?
  • You mean affirmative. I hope you die.
  • (Perfect Arabic)
  • All of Arnolds lines should specify (Perfect American Accent).
  • (Perfect Tango)
  • Need to quietly leave hostile territory under no suspicion whatsoever – detonate huge explosion in full view of everyone then sprint into the forest #ARNOLDTHINK
  • Being chased by dogs? Knock their heads together like you’re fighting the three stooges #ARNOLDTHINK
  • There was a market for platoons of snowmobile armies back in the nineties.
  • Pistol only run right now.
  • Where the fuck was that operation happening that he’s back home in bed later that evening?!
  • I love these movies where Arnold is just a regular dad and his family don’t notice that he’s this hulking, unfeeling Austrian automaton.
  • Rebellious 90’s kids love listening to cream.
  • Your 14 year old daughter is probably a slut and having an abortion right now. Light office banter for you there. That dude must have some balls to say that to Arnold.
  • Fuck off Francis.
  • Is this Foxhound?!
  • That is fucking Big Boss.
  • You know, people who work at the CIA do tell their family that’s what they do. The government doesn’t play a massive shell game for every person they employ.
  • Being tailed by a couple guys, probably armed. Better draw them to a busy mall, where I do all my best work #ARNOLDTHINK.
  • At least he’s got Tom Arnold for backup.
  • Do police officers exist in this universe?
  • That guy from System Of A Down is pretty fucking spry.
  • And now we can settle the age old argument of motorcycle or horse.
  • I’m not sure horses are designed with Arnold in mind.
  • Well this is pretty bonkers.
  • No, wet Arnold on a horse in an elevator glaring at the bad guy while his horse shits in the face of a wealthy dowager is bonkers.
  • What was the bad guys endgame ever going to be here? Like yeah, there’s probably going to be a pool? This is just a Grand Theft Auto rampage gone awry.
  • Horses don’t like leaping to their death. Didn’t they teach you anything in Foxhound?
  • “Sorry I missed dinner, I was trying to ride a horse off a hotel”
  • I do not recommend looking up sand spiders.
  • This place actually looks more boring than Office Space.
  • My wife is cheating on me? Only I get to cheat! #ARNOLDTHINK
  • This shot really should zoom all the way into Arnolds skin dendrites.
  • Yeah I know there’s a terrorist cell on home soil plotting some terrible disaster and the war room from Dr Strangelove is behind me, but let’s tap my wife’s phone.
  • Arnold is clearly bending his brain trying to think of a cuckolding pun to use when he kills Jamie Lee’s side piece.
  • That is one sensual moustache Bill Paxton.
  • So Arnolds name in this is Harry Tasker, which is fairly rubbish on the scale of ludicrous Schwarzenegger action names.
  • Harry Tasker sounds like the sidekick in a Syphon Filter knockoff for the Playstation.
  • I think the customer is supposed to drive on a test drive. It’s a TEST DRIVE.
  • Ass like a ten year old boy is the creepiest thing he could have possibly said.
  • Not really a surprise but Tom Arnold is a shit partner any way you slice it.
  • Yeah that wasn’t infra-red whatsoever.
  • Wait was he actually going to take her to Paris?
  • Curtis has had plenty of practice fending off burly, darkly dressed men. If Michael Myers can’t handle her Tom Arnold sure as shit can’t.
  • I’m not sure I’d forgive my wife if she captured me, took me to a government detainment facility then interrogated me anonymously.
  • You’d think that glass would be stoolproof.
  • Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII wi
  • Otacon?
  • Arnold I don’t think you should be using government resources to produce softcore porn.
  • I have no comment to make on this scene.
  • She would know it’s him as soon as she clocked him and he made Arnold noises.
  • That is one soviet looking armament.
  • Just wait until you see the metal gear that launches it.
  • Is it safe? Is it safe? IS IT SAFE.
  • That was the Hans Gruber turning over the McClane family photo moment.
  • Remember when I said I’d kill you second? I told THE TRUTH.
  • I think True Lies earth is the size of a golf ball.
  • Arnold has fairly substantial bonuses to attack and badassery in jungle/tropical environments. I don’t fancy team jihad on this one.
  • Uzi flamethrower, what hope do you have? The best they have is System Of A Down guy.
  • Getting slapped kind of defeats the point of holding a gun on someone.
  • Only Major Kong should straddle a nuclear warhead.
  • Pouring a glass of champagne. Bad trigger discipline for sure.
  • Yeah just waste the bridge. We can do that.
  • Well a nuke went off. Mistakes were made.
  • A Hind D!?
  • Gratuitous jet nutshot humour.
  • Most exciting moment of that cops life right there.
  • Fuck it. Make his wife a spy. She can’t be any more incompetent than Tom Arnold.
  • Stephen Tobolowsky says that you know you’re reading a good part when the character has a last name. Only two people in this movie appear to have surnames.
  • You can rot in that fucking van Tom.

truelies

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: