Stream Of Consciousness Review: The Running Man

 

  • Those are some seriously dodgy 1987 CGI running men right there.
  • “By 2017 the world economy has collapsed. A POLICE STATE, divided into paramilitary zones, rules with an iron hand” this is another one of those unnervingly prescient Trump future movies isn’t it?
  • These days you don’t even have to tell a guy to bomb helpless civilians, it’s all automated.
  • Being restrained in a helicopter? Fight everyone and forget about flying the thing #ArnoldThink.
  • We’ve very quickly gotten ourselves some choice Arnold noises.
  • Those Fallout 3 slavers are a real menace.
  • And now there’s bearded Arnold carrying a heavy thing over one shoulder. Excellent.
  • Arnold better have a ridiculous name in this.
  • Arnold is in play.
  • Chico went full on Scanners there.
  • Arnold has wandered into Escape From LA.
  • Is that a construction hat?
  • Yup, Arnold is now the worlds most conspicuous construction worker.
  • I wish I could shout at my house to make it do things.
  • Captain Freedom is going places in this movie, I can feel it.
  • Damon Killian seems to be both the host of The Running Man and the ringmaster of this insane battle royale. He’s calling the fucking justice department with a cup of coffee in one hand while having his makeup done.
  • Can’t convince a woman to do your bidding? Tear her furniture apart with one hand #ArnoldThink.
  • Those are some killer biceps actually.
  • I need a moment to compose myself after that unbelievable Hawaiian shirt/white fedora combo.
  • There was a guy wearing an Oculus Rift on that bus.
  • I love that net shotgun.
  • What’s up with budget lab tech Rob Lowe?
  • Yup, get that right into the finger webbing, that’s the stuff.
  • Despite the fact that they were just injecting him with whatever they could think of, they still throw him into a bizarre gas chamber to knock him out.
  • Ben Richards, well that’s underwhelming.
  • Ben Richards sounds like he would kick your tax returns ass, not Jesse Ventura’s.
  • I’d watch Climbing For Dollars, no question.
  • The god, Harold Faltermeyer (of Tango & Cash fame) is in effect. Let me drink in this sultry synth score.  Inject it right into the webbing of my fingers.
  • I think we’re about 10 years away from getting together in bars to watch some light bloodsport.
  • Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Warzone.
  • Daaaaamoon KILLIAN!
  • This lawyer is like the Cigarette Smoking Mans nephew.
  • Bet he’s wishing he didn’t buy that expensive metallic fountain pen now.
  • Well of course Adidas would sponsor a horrifically illegal murder contest.
  • Weiss & Loughlin are severely out of their depth and they know it.
  • Weiss & Loughlin should be starting a law firm, not entering into mortal combat alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • Is Arnold about to be fired like a human pinball?
  • Human Pinball, Fridays at 8, right after Climbing For Dollars.
  • Vacuum sleds?
  • I can pretty distinctly hear air rushing and see sparks flying, so what aspect of that is a vacuum?
  • Did Ben Arnold just get shot into the laundry room fight from Tango & Cash?
  • Sunset Riders B-side for that winners theme music there.
  • Subzero’s PhD is in ice murder.
  • Fastah!
  • Exploding hockey pucks. Did not expect that.
  • An ice rink is such a shitty place to have to battle for your life.
  • Everything is either faux future tech or dystopian nightmare, then you have Killians office, which is just the set of Network.
  • Dynamo and Buzzsaw? All of the stalkers are rejected Alton Towers rides.
  • The costume department at ICS is on fucking point. They must have whipped up that speedsuit for her in like 10 minutes.
  • I want to spend more time with the voiceover guy. Really, ethics aside, the production on The Running Man is beyond reproach.
  • Amber Mendez has some serious Shelley Duvall run going on.
  • Get to the relay is the most videogamey objective.
  • A plank. The chainsaws natural enemy #ArnoldThink.
  • Buzzsaws theme fucking rips.
  • Surely watching regular people getting killed by stalkers in like 3 minutes flat can’t have made for thrilling television after like half a season?
  • Buzzsaw is back in action.
  • Oh yeah, a button mashing/strength contest with Arnold, that’ll go well.
  • Buzz off.
  • Right, Dynamo’s whole theme is just not cohering for me. The concept of Dynamo needs to be taken back to the drawing board and rethought.
  • Never mind he’s dead.
  • Damon knows he’s fucked it.
  • This will be the one. I’m sure of it. Flamethrowers and jetpacks are known for their reliability. No chance that backfires on him whatsoever.
  • Why has no one ever combined the flamethrower and the jetpack? That seems like a dynamite idea.
  • Richards? Nah, I’m riding for Fireball on this one. For sure.
  • They really need to sort the spawn camping in Running Man with the next patch.
  • I’d just like to point out that I’ve been watching this for almost two hours now.
  • I feel like Freddy Krueger is about to show up.
  • Well that’s my life savings torched on Fireball.
  • Calling in the big guns now.
  • Well now I really want to know what that contraption Captain Freedom was wearing.
  • Tackling men into spikes. Truly the sport of kings.
  • Oh yes, Arnolds going Commando now and the cigar is back.
  • And here comes Harold Faltermeyer with the jams.
  • I get the feeling that 80% of The Running Man is dancers and Killian making small talk with the audience.
  • WHY ISN’T DYNAMO WEARING PANTS!?
  • Sven? Sven? What is happening!?
  • Buckle up Killian.
  • There’s basically a theme park ride built into the movie.
  • That was an extremely flammable billboard.
  • And now, the entire world is un-fucked.
  • Forget the romantic ending, where in the fuck is Jesse Ventura?
  • No really, there’s supposed to be a fight with Jesse Ventura.

Captain Freedom

 

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