Stream Of Consciousness Review: Roadhouse

 

  • I’ve actually seen roadhouse before, and I’m pretty sure I thought it was good. Prove me wrong Swayze.
  • Turquoise bolo tie. Bold.
  • Swayze just brushed off getting stabbed like it was a papercut.
  • Why isn’t autocorrect bothered by “Swayze”?
  • I’ve been headhunted for several jobs while shirtless and performing first aid on myself.
  • Dalton doesn’t fly, because he has a poor understanding of risk and statistical probability. Probably why he doesn’t flinch when a drunk dude tries to slash his throat.
  • This shithole bar in a small town is bringing in enough money to pay Swayze an exorbitant salary. Is bolo guy running crack through the Double Deuce?
  • No, shirt, no shoes, no consciousness, no service.
  • Everybody expects Dalton to be bigger, probably because like me they were hoping he’d be played by Kurt Russell.
  • It’s a good thing everything in this place is made of sugar glass and paper mache .
  • Those are some pretty sweet headlights. Pointless but cool.
  • Stereotypical old farmer is from a totally different movie.
  • Rustic penthouse. Remote location. Fully furnished. Light antagonist flyover. Perfect for wandering bounty hunter/too old for this shit military badass/ famous bouncer.
  • What the fuck is a cooler?
  • Some light turtleneck action going on here.
  • Expecting the unexpected is not a great tactic for winning a fight you can’t win.
  • Basically, stop trashing all the fucking furniture in the place you idiots.
  • Steve looked so genuinely upset and confused about getting the sack there.
  • My favorite bars have very little death, if any.
  • Dalton enjoying some light yoga, in tight jeans, while smoking. The man is a puzzle wrapped in an enigma in what I can only assume is a shirt made for women.
  • Wesley is one of the nuttiest villains in any movie. Swerving around the road for fun, shaking down Mom n’ Pop hardware stores, wearing a cravat…
  • People need to stop trying out their knife game on Dalton. The guy is apparently Big Boss’s bastard, and his piercing/slashing damage resistance is insane.
  • Where was he keeping those medical records at?
  • Hey Dalton, you might have fewer stiches if you stopped letting people stab you to make a point.
  • Ok, I forgot about the monster truck.
  • How To Hit Henchmen And Influence Townspeople by Wesley
  • Hey there’s evil Mel Gibson. Well, pure chaotic evil Mel Gibson, not misogynist, racist, anti-Semitic regular evil Mel Gibson.
  • Is Dalton wearing an actual fucking Gi about town?
  • SAM FUCKING ELLIOT, IT’S FUCKING ALL HAPPENING NOW.
  • The way he’s manhandling that girl, that might actually be Mel Gibson.
  • Aaaah, knife boot. Classic.
  • Smash the guys knee he’ll drop like a stone. That kind of practical advice would have been useful before “expect the unexpected”.
  • Zen And The Art Of Slamming Dudes Heads Into Tables by Dalton.
  • I love when a girl dresses as a picnic table. I’m into it.
  • Dalton has an odd propensity for kind of loose suit trousers. Is it easier to kick somebody while wearing loose suit trousers?
  • Two pool tables seems needless. How about one pool table and one snooker table? Or one pool table and one ping pong table. Or no pool table and just fucking kill yourself.
  • Ok, that deep v neck and beige jacket. Dalton is the worst dressed man of 1989. He’s basically wearing curtains for half the film.
  • A monster truck is obviously the ideal stakeout vehicle.
  • No condom? That fine. It’s not like its 1989 or anything. Nothing could go wrong here. Trust me, I’m a doctor.
  • There should be more movies where the bad guy lives down the street, it’s too hilarious of a concept not to explore.
  • Aaaw, Dalton got everybody matching bowling shirts.
  • What is up with this movie and famous bouncers? Bolo guy looked at Sam Elliott like he was one of the fucking Avengers.
  • I like that these thugs were going to just hold Swayze and work him over like they were high school bullies.
  • Sam Elliott opening up with the essential dick punch, kick in the knee combo that’s the cornerstone of Bar Brawl CQC.
  • Protect your girl or Garrett will collect your girl.
  • Finally, lets talk about the time Patrick Swayze fucking killed somebody.
  • Real tough guys: are 5:5, wear womens shirts, do tai chi on a farm, rawdog, tie their hair back when shit’s getting real.
  • Expect the unexpected. Like a pool cue in the face.
  • Why does bolo guy look so aroused by this melee? He really does have a bouncer fetish of some kind.
  • I think some producer was just pushing monster trucks on this movie real hard.
  • This town is utterly lawless.
  • Rustic Workouts Vol.4: Barn Burners with Dalton
  • Dalton! You son of a bitch!
  • See you Sam Elliott. You’re better than every Avenger put together.
  • Dalton is now reaching Matthew McConaughey levels of shirtlessness.
  • He also has a bad habit of running directly at fires. He can’t help himself.
  • Conspicuous getaway vehicle + Ray Liotta Goodfellas laugh = excellence.
  • “I used to fuck guys like you in prison!” is one of the greatest threats ever.
  • And now you know that most of The Dark Knight was plagiarised from Roadhouse.
  • It was tails.
  • Since Wesley owns the cops, it would have been significantly easier to have Dalton arrested for murder. It wouldn’t even be a frame up, he tore a mans throat out.
  • This has all went a bit Commando.
  • He’s just literally killing people now.
  • With bears.
  • Knees are having a real bad time in this movie.
  • You’ve killed like 6 people, why stop now?
  • Roadhouse is set in an alternate universe. There can be no other conclusion drawn from these events.

United Artists#00001

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