Stream Of Consciousness Review: Captain America The Winter Soldier

  • Wide open shots of the American capital as Fitness Man From the 1940’s undermines a minority with his superhuman superiority.
  • “You’re no Jessie Owens!”
  • The Captain does not miss polio, perhaps the most old timey of antiquated diseases.
  • He also keeps a notebook of things he needs to catch up on (doesn’t even fill a page the imbecile), including: Nirvana, the Berlin wall, Rocky and now at Sam’s request a Marvin Gaye album. Perhaps add to the list: porn, the cold war, Kurt Russell, cooler superheroes than Captain America, The Wire, every major armed conflict of the past half century and Castlevania Symphony Of The Night. For starters.
  • In parentheses “stop referring to people as Negros
  • I’m not sure I’d carpool with Black Widow, the last time I saw a guy take a lift off Scarlett Johansson it didn’t go so well.
  • I think this might be the first level of Modern Warfare IV.
  • This is how we used to jump out of aircraft carriers in my day.
  • So the US, in 2015, the most advanced military power in history has found that the most effective means of combat is now one really strong guy flinging a big shield around and bowling people over? Hell The Rock could do that right now. He probably is.
  • That terrorist remembered he had a gun.
  • Looks like the bad guys decided to be French for a change.
  • Black Widow operates like she’s fucked up in a stealth game.
  • That shield ends up planted all over the shop.
  • I know, I’ll try hand to hand combat. Against the only man in 2015 who uses a fucking shield.
  • Mission complete. Collateral shield damage: excessive.
  • “Agent Romanov is comfortable with everything” phrasing!
  • Is Samuel L Jackson getting prepared in case Independence Day happens?
  • He even takes the shield with him on motorcycle rides?
  • Cap is visiting his own museum exhibit.
  • Nick Fury has a slightly fascist outfit.
  • Sam is wearing dad chinos.
  • Samuel L Jackson couldn’t make it half an hour without shooting some cops.
  • Why bother sending fake cops to take out Fury if it’s going to turn into outright bedlam regardless?
  • Where does Captain America live? There’s a question no one asked.
  • Bashing through windows, doors and office equipment. That shield really is indispensable.
  • “He was superhumanly fast, strong, had sweet long hair, a metal arm and looked like a more Nu Metal version of The Crow” – “well that could be anyone”.
  • Dead Nick Fury sort of just looks like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
  • Hide impossibly important McGuffin in vending machine. CapThink.
  • Well here’s Robert Redford to make things needlessly complicated.
  • No good guy has ever had hair like that.
  • Down goes budget Jeremy Renner and his electric batons.
  • Collateral shield damage:
  • Cap is hiding under the guise of a hipster douchebag.
  • Evil slick hair guy returns for round two.
  • Thanks Aaron.
  • Captain America is abysmal at hiding. He keeps looking directly at the bad guys with a wide eyed “why won’t you shoot me” expression.
  • Cap is reminiscing about when he used to be a little bitch.
  • Captain America gets your dumb references.
  • Whoops, you’ve ended up in a sidequest from Fallout New Vegas. Get out of there, this movie is long enough as it is.
  • Does anyone live in a normal, not Ikea house.
  • Good lord, whatever happened to Larry Sanders. He’s absolutely terrifying.
  • So the bad guys are pretty much pseudo-Nazis then.
  • Not even making a comment on the crazy wingsuit thing.
  • Can we just acknowledge how much of a bad motherfucker the Winter Soldier is.
  • Winter is pretty much just made of guns and awesome.
  • So now, with millions of lives on the line, maybe they should call the avengers that have proper superpowers.
  • Heil Hydra!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: