The Game of Thrones Power Rankings limber up, get in some weapons practice and navigate the Champion Select screen. Oh, and won’t someone please close the damned moon door? It’s letting a draft in.
#1 Littlefinger (Last Time: Not Ranked)
As impressive as it is that Petyr orchestrated the death of Jon Arryn and is therefore responsible for the entirety of A Game of Thrones despite having an accent about as consistent as Mr Burns on ether and facial hair more questionable than Jimmy Saville at a primary school sports day, it’s not that impressive.
Really, he’s kidnapped his secret child bride Catlyn Stark remix obsession (who now looks down on him literally as well as figuratively thanks to a growth spurt that’s left her roughly as tall as an NBA shooting guard), spirited her away on the SS Carcetti to her mad Aunt’s Welsh fortress then subjected her to the wailing pleasure of said mad Aunt as her Welsh fortress was thoroughly fingerbanged.
To put it plainly, Littlefinger had Joffrey killed. That makes you a player, even a mimsy 90’s internet startup goatee wearing prat like Baelish has to be recognised for that. As he well knows, when you come at the King; you best not miss – and Baelish was dead on. Joffrey has been killed so thoroughly that the actor who plays him has retired from the fucking profession.
Unfortunately, when viewed objectively, Littlefingers plans tend to err more on the side of sad and pathetic than badass and awesome. Killing a king so you can acquire the daughter of a dead woman you spent your life pining for then killing the only person who actually loves you despite what a massive shitstain you are is just meagre. It’s pathetic.
In another world, Sansa would be Littlefingers beloved daughter, and Baelish would be the uncontested king of the Power Rankings. He would ream Bronn, carve up the Stark brothers like Ser Barristan carving a cake, execute the entire Targaryan dynasty, subjugate the Lannister pedigree… but alas, we are cursed with the smarmy weasel timeline.
This Baelish just wants to burn the world to rule the ashes. He cuts ties, burns bridges and betrays everyone he allies with just to make that one little step up on the ladder. That strategy is surely untenable, but at this moment he is warmed by the fires and watching his enemies fall a long, long way down the ladder. Oh look! The little lord of the Vale is here! Get him a bottle of milk.
Petyr Baelish Accentwatch: Where has Petyr Baelish’s tour of accents of the British Isles brought us this week? Somewhere between Ireland and Wales. Rhyl?
*Pet theory – Baelish derives his power from absorbing the accents of each person he kills.
#2 Oberyn Martell (Last Week: 6, judging)
Oberyn has pumped the brakes on his international players tour of Westeros just long enough to drop in on his old pal Tyrion, then stir the pot to mix up a little revenge. The Mountain has found himself squarely on the Martell Menu. Next week, it’s pussy, crossed legs, saucy quips, lovely boys on retainer and his giant ass getting skewered.
Oberyn comes to Tyrions aid at a pivotal moment. Without Bronn, Tyrions best hope was getting a monumentally lucky surgical calf strike on The Mountain, hoping the big fella is as deathly afraid of stitches as The Hound is of fire and hoping that a world without antiseptic does the rest of the job for him. On the other hand, Oberyn seems so vastly unintimidated by Big & Rapey that he seems more like the Black Mamba than the Red Viper.
It seems that there is no Westeros analogue to David & Goliath, apparently because the very idea that someone could defeat a much bigger, stronger person is patently ridiculous in this world. The tale of Oberyn, badass by birthright and Gregor, enraged rapist is the more common parable here than plucky underdog coming up big. The plucky underdog gets stabbed to death and dies whimpering. A conquered Mountain seems to be one of the few things Oberyn might relish more than a dead Lannister, and I greatly anticipate seeing this player put the moves on him.
#3 The Mountain (Last Week: Not Ranked, riding back quicker than you’d expect for a man his size)
Is one man abattoir The Mountain eviscerating the homeless to get a feel for his armoury? Yes? Yes he is. Freakish strong. Freakish big. Freakish bastard.
Oberyn Martell is a trained, battle proven nobleman who’s spent his entire adult life equipping himself with a very special set of stabbing/poisoning/acrobatics/thrusting/fucking/swag skills in order to carry out his personal vendetta against you. Ok, he might put up more of a fight than some unlucky transients, but they aren’t wholly different.
Oby also spends a lot of time in a state of undress wallowing in filth while being thrusted at, although he tends to give as good as he gets, taking his eye for an eye approach to life into the bedroom as well. It seems like the time spent raping and ravaging through the Riverlands has been a training regime worthy of The Rock. Gregor looks cut and in better shape than he’s ever been. Whatever new skincare routine or herbal tea purging he’s been doing has worked wonders, for a guy who spends his life in battle he now has the complexion of a 25 year old Gilette model. Regardless of how handy Oberyn may be, Gregor is the best Cersei can get, and the Red Viper looks to be in for a Mach III caliber close shave.
Warden Commander Alliser Thorne Deathwatch: Oh yea, this guy is properly going to get it. Soon. This season for sure.
#4 Sansa Stark (Last Week: Not Ranked, trekking uphill)
In terms of living characters who need a good slap, Robin Arryn is surprisingly high on that list, coming out slightly ahead of Sansa herself. Really what I’m saying is that if Sansa belted little Milhouse Arryn, sending him whimpering back to his Mother’s tit, swiveled round to lay the palm on Littlefingers Paul Hollywoodesque devil beard then brought that righteous hand wrath across her own lovely visage, that girl would be in the top three this week.
In fairness, the Stark princess has had a fairly tough adolescence (at least relative to the rest of the GRR Martinverse). Sansas fairy tale prince preferred blondes, her actual husband was a hideous Lannister a quarter her size and the only men in her life who care for her are either dead, massive scarred warriors or creepy shortarse uncle fetishists. While most girls her age are picking flowers, cheering on handsome knights and grappling with the menarche, Sansa is trying to hide her period from a bipolar Queen Regent and narrowly avoiding death by rape mob, surviving each day one lemon cake at a time.
Even when she finally gets a Vale shaped regicide reprieve she’s being betrothed to yet another half man with a zest for violence ass violence and man sized temper tantrums before being shown The Moon Door by a homicidally jealous aunt. Her life is basically the writing staff of Hollyoaks playing Dungeons and Dragons. Sansa gleefully trotting out into the snowy courtyard, constructing a delicate snowcastle of happier times then watching it get stomped to pieces was a microcosm of her entire arc thus far; as was the fact that Littlefinger was looming around behind some cloisters the entire time.
*”I live in the Eyrie!” Yes Robin, we’re aware that you live in the Eyrie BECAUSE WE’RE IN THE FUCKING EYRIE RIGHT NOW YOU TINY TWAT CASTLE RUINER
Sansa Stark virginitywatch: her hymen is now roughly as safe as a Frey wedding.
#5 The Moon DoorTM Drop Rankings, brought to you by Ser Vardis Egen:
When you have a Moon Door, and you make it a point of defenestrating people out of it on a regular basis, it makes you kind of a prick. Sure, in this world beheadings and hangings are commonplace, boring even. But living up very high for the express purpose of dropping people down really far (exactly how far, not totally sure) is just putting an unnecessary flourish on it.
It’s a bit like having a castle where the defining feature is a gigantic bubbling cauldron filled with acid called, let’s say, The Bitches Brew. It’s used occasionally as a novel method of capital punishment. Then you’re using it a bit more often. Then you let the kids chuck in people they don’t get on with: Lannisters, tutors, cousins. It gets to the stage of children’s tv show gunging. Eventually you have a guy on staff who overhead launches stray dogs in there during the off days purely for the sake of amusement.
Now if you spend most of your time talking about the brew, or threatening to dunk people in the brew like big meaty Hobnobs, or having crowds gather around and chant “In the brew with you! In the brew with you!”- eventually fate or plot or irony will ensure that mutt bites you in the ass. You’ll find yourself like Lysa Arryn, in pieces, your head rolling around the Vale covering more ground than Petyr Baelish’s accent. One day you and your tactless shitwhelp of a son are tossing people in the pot, the next you find yourself getting caught up in one of those long flowing robes and plop, splash, Miles Davis.
3/1 Robin Arryn
3/1 Hot Pie
5/1 Sansa Stark
8/1 The Hound
10/1 Stannis Baratheon
12/1 Arya Stark
16/1 Loras Tyrell
18/1 Jon Snow
20/1 Davos Seaworth
68/1 Tywin Lannister
305/1 Daenerys Targaryen
400/1 Ser Pounce (he lands on his feet anyway)
#6 Romance Novel Dario (Last Week: Not Ranked, missing the royal surgery)
Don’t hate the player.
Our second favourite shapeshifting stab artist delivers Daenyres the full Magic Mike experience this week before getting everything he could ever ask for. Sure, fuck the king. The king was a prat. But isn’t it that much sweeter to fuck the queen? Salladhor Saan agrees.
#7 Jorah “Highway to the friendzone” Mormont (Last Week: Not Ranked, needing a chair)
Somewhere in the great cold tundra beyond the wall, Jorahs dads’ skull is still getting more action than he is. Cuckolded and sullen, with a face like a miserable shoreline, the prodigal son of Bear Island has a better chance of being hurled through the moon door than he does at getting his Kevin Costner Whitney Houston Bodyguard bootycall with the Mother of Dragons, Stormborn, First of Her Name yadda yadda. Seriously, Jorah is so old he can’t even say all of Dany’s titles without having a sit down.
Jorah does make a good plea for tact and sanity, which is as intricate and considered as a Hot Pie Great Westeros Bakeoff entry. He convinces his Queen to reconsider her madly homicidal retread of last season before being buddied up with his own younger, fitter replacement. Dario is Jorah 2.0 (Well Dario is actually Dario 2.0, but let’s not complicate this).Dario is Jorah targeted at the hashtag demographic, Jorah for the Snapchat generation. Dario is New Coke.
Jorah is just Vinyl now, old, full of character and depth but wholly overtaken by a new generation. It’s time to give up on beating iDario and get back to watching Cash in The Attic with Ser Barristan.
Hot Pie Recipewatch: It’s all about the gravy!
#8 Fine Silk Bronn (Last Week: Not Ranked, arranging a marriage)
It’s an unexpected yet glaringly obvious choice for LeBronn when he decides to go with tailored linens and matricide over barbaric gladiatorial Mortal Kombat with Tywin Lannisters answer to Conan the Barbarian. Why step into the ring to be dismembered by a guy the size of a Ford Focus when you could simply dress down and whore it up as a minor castellan for the rest of your natural life?
This disappointing turn is far more Robson & Jerome than it is Batman & Robin; and puts a serious downer on my idea for a GOT anime filler season which finds Bronn and my man The BLACKFISH having murderous, bantery adventures throughout the land in search of gold, mead and women. You should have stuck with your boy Tyrion, playing for Cersei may boost your earnings in the short term, but cutting out to play with the Miami Heat is a bad move because no one will like you the same way ever again. Power is more than a quick paycheck and playing for the winning side. You do not bet against Tyrion. Tyrion would have owed you everything. This is a sombre day for the Power Rankings. Try not to get any dust on your pretty doveskin gloves on the way out.
#9 The Hound (Last Week: Not Ranked)
Arya Stark really makes a meal out of her crappy lot in life, but really, the Hound isn’t much better off. Arya’s brother gave her a sword, her father loved her – The Hounds brother threw him on the griddle for playing with his toys and his dad covered it up. The Hound has spent his entire adult life being a sworn heavy for a whoring layabout then one of the most irredeemable wankers in the realm.
Now even his Arya Stark stock is plummeting faster than Lysa Arryn. Short of Littlefinger grabbing himself a Stark bargain, Arya will be lucky to fetch a couple wolf shaped baked goods and some booze for the big man. Ever since he entered free agency and picked the girl up it’s been nothing but dead farmers, trials by combat and bitey ambushes. Arya Stark is a dodgy second hand car that’s constantly breaking down at the worst possible time. Someone get The Hound some wine (and some Sudocrem for that bite); he’s earned it.
The Hound Woundwatch: Festering. A worrying Pseudomonas aeruginosa population.
#10 Jon Snow (Last Week: Not Ranked, looking for a dogsitter)
I’d actually like to see more of Jon’s ongoing struggle with the Nights Watch interdepartmental bureaucracy. Want to blockade the tunnel with rocks and icewater? Take it up with the building department. New swords for the rangers? That would be the armourers guild. Fix the crumbling steps to the Maesters chambers? Stonemasons & Blacksmiths board. Petitioning for your Direwolf to roam the keep? Agriculture & Husbandry division.
Sorry Jon Boy, you know the procedure. New business gets brought up at the start of the next interdepartmental meeting, gets passed along to HR, forwarded to the Watch Ombudsman then reviewed at the bimonthly conference call before being voted on at the Mead Hall school dinner whatever thing.
Actually that’s a shit idea. Let’s just have him get his top off and cut a guys legs apart at the knees.
The Petyr Baelish needless sexposition award for the week goes to the Red Lady, whose magic can summon a king killing smoke demon but can’t conjure a fucking bathrobe.
Departing: Lysa “MMR Scare Mum” Arryn, Biter, Thirsty Farmer, Rorge.
Not Ranked: Stannis Baratheon, Snowcastles, Big Brienne, Tyrion, Stunning Blondes, Cersei Lannister, Mace Tyrell, Tiny Pink Cocks, Lollys Stokeworth, Rorge, Hot Pie, Ghost, Robin Arryn, Samwell Tarly, Loras Tyrell, The Bronn Marries Tyrion Alternate Universe, Bob Benson From Mad Men, The Red Lady, Sudocrem, Stannis, Roose Bolton.