Yes, after an exceptionally long hiatus, the Game of Thrones Power Rankings arrive 5 episodes late to deliver takes so hot I got paid three times their value. Rank on.
#1 Davos Seaworth (Last time: semi literate)
In a week that finds everyone delivering varying degrees of temperature, Davos is bringing blistering, first degree burn, Michael Mann HEAT in his exchange at the worlds most overzealous loan assignment agreement. Despite representing a wannabe king who’s more boring than the actual definition of boredom itself and who has fewer ships than a guy who just lost a game of Battleships – Davos brings out his A-game and his little fingers, doing absolutely whatever it takes to convince the dragons to invest in his prize stag.
And invest they do, floating Fat Stacks Seaworth who proceeds to drop a grip of gold on his old sex pirate pal Salladhor Saan and make serious headway into the maritime warfare tech tree. Davos is the overachieving hype man for a rapper with 16 YouTube views and the cadence of a disapproving headmaster, and there’s no one on this show more deserving of a big golden thumbs up. He’s simply one of the only straight up good dudes left in this world, and he’s going to sail a fleet up the Lannisters collective arsehole and become the real king of (foookin) Gin Alley. Grandfather Naff and the Furious Five (truncated digits) are playing Kings Landing.
#2 The Iron Banker (last time: accounting)
The Iron Banker is the stern, grey suited IRS agent to the comically inept, bumbling Ser Dontos/fat guy from the Go Compare ads. He has no place for silly stories or myths. He has a ledger, hard numbers, a balance book, your credit rating and a desk game even Tywin Lannister could only dream of.
There’s no Freakonomics in Braavos, just hard numbers, equity, solvency and CAPITAL. No knights with swords, just investment managers with pocket protectors. This dude can land a sub-prime mortgage crisis the size of Casterly Rock on your lap with a few strokes of his quill, have your ass shit your meal then garnish your celery till you’re weeping on his massive desk in a miserable heap. And long after the gold mines of Lannisport run dry his quill will still be writing you into the red.
PS – The Game of Thrones wiki reliably informs me that this guys name is Tycho Nestoris, which is so ludicrous that it bumps him up at least one place in the rankings.
#3 Tywin Lannister (last time: winning)
There’s very little left for Tywin to do or to prove now. In Power Rankings canon, he’s already a legend, he’s untouchable. The season opened with him ferociously dunking all over the Stark legacy, and in every appearance since he’s given us a Machiavellian masterclass, manipulating every situation to build on his position, even preparing for problems still seasons away. Tywin probably sends stern letters to HBO executives ensuring the ongoing production of the show itself, despite the fact that he’s a fictional character.
Even Tywins losses this season have played right into his wheelhouse. Joffreys assassination handed Tywin a malleable young adult novel fantasy draft king and let him obliterate his unwanted dwarf spawn in favor of his less unwanted gimp son. No one even manages to try opposing him anymore. Jaime confronts him with a big play for Tyrions life and Tywin barely had to look up from his cheeseboard lunch to say done because it was exactly what he intended to happen.
My advice, stop confronting Tywin when he’s sitting down! He’s just going to posterise you, he does his best work sitting down (RE: Red Wedding). Catch him on the way for a piss or while he’s cloak shopping. Guard him, get him away from the rim. Make him go to his hook shot or dish it to Mace Tyrell but get him out of his comfort zone for Christ. Apparently TyWIN is 67 years old, and his death is the one thing he can’t outmaneuver. At this point I feel that’s up for debate.
Can you sum it up in a music video? Probably.
#4 Tyrion Lannister (Last time: imprisoned)
Our favourite little noble with a big noble heart is undergoing a sham trial that could only be going worse if he were represented by Lionel Hutz while a badly suited Bronn spilled porn mags and bottles of Wild Turkey out of a broken suitcase. Even Tyrions last, desperate play is almost am unintentional Hutz blunder in itself.
Lionel: “I move for a fight death decision thingy…”
Tywin: “You mean a trial by combat?”
Lionel: “Yeah! That’s why you’re the Warden of the West and I’m”
Tywin: “About to be executed.”
The witness stand, at some point started to resemble an audition for Kings Landing’s biggest arsehole and the judges panel that of a sort of by the numbers talent show. There’s the stern, abrasive one, there’s the overly emphatic caring one that gets made fun of by the serious one and the swarthy foreign one who makes dumb double entendre type jokes at the expense of all human intelligence.
The audience (not jurors, purely spectators) played well to type with obnoxious hooting and hollering until Tyrion scorched the room by spitting flames that would have seared even the unburnt – reminding everyone that 1) they should wake up every morning thanking him they aren’t occupying a spike on the castle battlements or being thoroughly lectured at the Stannis Baratheon Academy of Proper Grammatical Communication and, 2) that Peter Dinklage is easily one of the best actors on Game of Thrones even though he has an accent that’s about as authentic as a Chicago Town pizza.
Did you write two paragraphs about Littlefinger then realise he wasn’t even in this episode? Yes. I’m a little rusty, it’s been a while.
#5 Ramsay Snow, Natural Born Badass (Last time: psychopathic)
Apparently, even a shirtless post coitus Gordon Ramsay is fully onboard with getting ENTIRELY STUCK IN to the fully armoured, fully equipped cast of The Iron Islands Hardest Men in the middle of the night with nothing more than a knife, a mace and a sadistic sense of entertainment. I’m half convinced that he was more amused at the prospect of dashing their half season long rescue voyage in three minutes flat than he was at actually murdering them or going full Monty Burns on their party.
Since his introduction, Ramsay hasn’t had a whiff of a loss. His stats line: torched Winterfell, easily killed his own men just as a move, erased Theon Greyjoy from existence, enthralled a whore, watched his dad help execute an entire family to rule a cardinal direction, killed a non-enthralled whore with some dogs because he was bored, got the closest shave in Westeros… and on it goes. For a bastard that’s some untold success. Notable bastard Jon Snow has to freeze his nuts off beyond the wall and go on thankless, understaffed missions to assassinate Evil Lee Evans up in rape city, and for most bastards that’s better than they can dream of getting.
Ramsay has castrated Westeros, renamed it Cuntville and has it sleeping in the kennels with his hounds purely on a psychopathic whim. Not even his bad dad or Tywin the one man dynasty has such a flawless record – and if the bathposistion is anything to go on, Moat Cailin is the next stepping stone in his ascent into video game villainy. Westeros is a dog eat dog world, and Ramsay looks to make us all his bitches.
Can you sum it up in a music video? Yes. Very much so.
The Skull of (fucking) Jeor Mormont (Last time: wine stained)
Charred. NOT RANKED
#6 Oberyn Martell (Last time: manwhoring)
This week, OB/GYN Martell has stopped living out the video for 2Pac’s I Get Around long enough to take an actual role in the plot; and he is a cocky sonofamotherfucker. The Red Viper strides around Kings Landing making veiled threats to its most dangerous inhabitants, mixes it up in every conceivable way in the whorehouse and slithers through the spiders web, busting Varys balls like he’s been at it for years. Hell, he doesn’t even uncross his goddamn legs when Tywin walks into the small council meeting. Standing up, now that didn’t even cross his mind, much like sexually transmitted infections, or sunscreen, or iPhones or subtlety presumably didn’t cross his mind either.
However, any man with the glands to stand naked from the waist down in front of Tywin Motherfucking Ravage A City Send A Guy To Rape And Kill Your Sister Lannister, Spiller Of Your Dornish Wine, Wolfsbane, Warden Of The West, I Fucked Your Mother, First Of His Name is to be respected. Also points for shutting down perv Santa at the hearing.
Oby should be respected for his temerity, for his insanity, for the plan he might be trying to play out. But mostly he should be respected for his gusto and even more so for his swag. Master of ships? I think not. Master of wine and bitches is the job for you. Pimp hand of the king if you play your cards right.
Ant & or Dec: “All right then big fella, you go out there and wow the judges. Best of luck”
Meryn Trant: “I’m the personal assistant to a psychopathic despot, I do heinous things for him on command and I can lie vociferously when required”
Simon Cowell: “Well you have my vote”
#7 Jaime Lannister (Last Time: Suspended)
Hot off a Power Rankings suspension for questionable sexual conduct, Jaime has warmed slowly by pulling the classic “I like this girl but she’s in love with a dead gay monarch so I’ll just by her a shitload of armour” move then getting bitch slapped WITH HIS OWN FUCKING HAND by perennial Power Rankings cheque casher Bronn.
Jambo ends up at the approximate temperature of soup you can’t comfortably eat without blowing on it first by the time he steps up to his dad to nobly recuse himself from a life of hard service to be the lion stud for the Lannister regime from the comfort of a fucking castle in the lands (formerly) richest region.
Jaime tries to be a good brother, and he is, he’s the only person looking out for his very little brother but in doing so plays right into his father’s hands like so many gold coins into the mitts of Salladhor Saan. Ser Southpaw Sisterfucker might also want to mention to Tyrion that he’s currently about as useful in a fight to the death as Ser Pounce.
#8 Tommen Baratheon (Last time: next in line)
Flirty eye contact.
If from now on Tommen defers to the Grandfather of the realm (new title), then just chills on the throne with Ser Pounce on his lap, I could live with that. Happily.
#9 Daenerys Targaryen (Last Time: breaking chains, hearts)
You now occupy dozens of cities, thousands of manumitted slave soldiers and a fucking pyramid. You have so many titles no one can say them all without getting light headed. Tywin Lannister actually considers you to be a credible threat. So would you please get those old men some fucking chairs.
Mace Tyrell (Last Time: mastering ships?)
Trying to be Tywins Scottie Pippen but just straight trippin’. NOT RANKED
Budget Lenny Kravitz (Last Time: flying away)
Go bury your father. NOT RANKED
#10 Cersi Lannister (Last Time: Drunk and bitter)
Drunken liar. Despised by her people. Getting her way. Ranked I guess.
Stannis Baratheon (Last Time: scowling)
Almost sinking the biggest presentation of your life by acting like a mopey teenager at a wedding. A proven battlefield commander and a proven arsehole. NOT RANKED
Salladhor Saan (Last Time: pillaging)
Sally, you don’t even have to tell prostitutes jokes, you don’t need to impress them, THAT’S WHAT THE MONEY IS FOR. Bad setup, bad punchline; but you are fulfilling all the Biggie Smalls criteria (fuck bitches; get money) so you are awarded the honorary Petyr Baelish needless sexposition scene of the week. Oberyn will be wanting that back.
Reek (Last Time: Theon)
Loyal. Clean. NOT RANKED
NOT RANKED: Silver Stags, The Second Suns, Yara Greyjoy, Barristan Selmy, Ned Stark, Varys, Battleships, Maester Pycelle, Lovely Boys on retainer, Bronn, Podrick, Loras Tyrell, 2Pac, Michael Ginsberg, Pigeon Pie, Sansa Stark, Shae, Basilisk Venom, The Hound, Bitches, Littlefinger, Roose Bolton, Little Birds, Finance.