Breaking Bad Power Rankings: Felina

We’re done when I say we’re done… and from the looks of it, yes actually we are just about done. But let’s not mourn the loss of the worst scientific force to emerge from New Mexico since the atomic bomb just yet.

Let’s cook together, one last time.

BrBaPowerRankings

Breaking Bad: The Animal House Ending

Walter White:

Mostly just fucks with the Power Rangers?

Skyler White:

Brutally executed on her doorstep by a mysterious latino teenager.

Marie Schrader:

Spends several years wasting Hank’s DEA post mortem pay on unlicensed therapists before spiralling into a manic, hermit existence within the Schrader home.

Flynn White:

Continues a sour rebellious phase of camo pants and leather jackets for around 10 months until Walt’s massive cash bonanza lands on him. Drops out of his art history class at community college and becomes an international playboy.

Badger & Skinny Pete:

Go on to write a thinly veiled TV adaption of their understanding of the events of Breaking Bad. The show is initially well received but goes on six seasons too long and descends into  implausibility when a lab accident grants Walt superpowers and Jesse spends an aimless season running Pinkman’s Deli in New Hampshire.

Eventually their script about two top tier hitmen who turn on one another over an eight million dollar windfall is committed to film by the Coen brothers – winning several Oscars.

Gale:

Becomes a semi popular Youtube video.

Ted Beneke:

Hit by Badger and Skinny Pete’s limo while crossing the street holding an Ensure box packed with cash. The stupid grin on his stupid face was wiped away along with much of his actual face. The money strewn around his paraplegic shell paid for 4 years of bare bones medical care before he died ignominiously.

Mike Ehrmantraut:

Runs a small tour service offering to help American travellers “lose themselves in the sun, fun and beach cocktails of Belize”.

Ghost Gus:

Intangible.

Hank Schrader:

Commemorated in the Hank Schrader DEA memorial bowling tournament. His mineral collection is fused together into an ad hoc trophy.

Steve Gomez:

Assumed by most to have been in league with Heisenberg and the cartels because racism.

Uncle Jack:

Filed away to the most suitable circle of hell for a Nazi who steals and blatantly wears the purple jumpers of widows. Eight?

Quantum Goodman:

Trapped in a causality loop.

Todd:

Unmourned. Drew Sharp’s tarantula finds its way out of the jar and nests in Todd’s crawlspace, becoming a rich yet unfathomable metaphor.

Jesse Pinkman:

Drives out of the finale directly into Need For Speed, which, as it turns out is canon.

The Pinkman economic stimulus plan see’s moderate success in the post Heisenberg years and is eventually the topic of an episode of NPR’s Planet Money podcast.

Ted Kaczynski:

Dies in prison. His last years are marred by people commenting that he looks like Heisenberg.

Louis:

Lives a lonely, unremarkable life in the absence of Flynn, his only true love. Becomes an unsuccessful writer and hopeless sex addict trawling the gay bars of Albuquerque.

Saul Goodman:

Mournfully abides the strict Cinnabon dress code dictated by his manager.

Francesca:

Goes back to the DMV.

Ken Wins:

Emerges from gas station. See’s his trashed car, which looks like Ken Masters has just gotten through with it. Loses.

Holly White:

Porn.  

Not Ranked: I think I just about covered everyone and more. I dunno, Carol?

Verdict:

A neat, balanced equation of a finale. Not sure what show you fill the Breaking Bad void with now, probably just start taking actual crystal meth and go from there.

 

For more Breaking Bad Power Rankings, click here

If you liked the Breaking Bad Power Rankings, why not check out the Game of Thrones Power Rankings.

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