Confession: I tried Ensure Plus once. It was rancid. It tasted like a melted down Milky Bar with some shame added in. Anyway, lets get cooking!
Jesse’s ricin loaded revelation seems to have robbed us of watching him live out his days as Mr. Credit To Society, raising sled dogs in a chilly Alaskan cabin. Instead the epiphany has forged him into a pyromaniacal force of reckoning. Not content to blaze up solely in the Goodman offices, Jesse breaks free of his guilty malaise and sets about righteously torching the White living room then presumably the offices of whomever invented that fucking blue disinfectant shit they fill portable toilets with.
Cap’n cook is fired up and lighting his stove. Hell hath no fury like a Pinkman scorned.
We are all bitches now. Bitch.
Confession: Has never watched Star Trek: the original series.
Walter HARTWELL White
Walter has been limbo dancing with the devil, arguably since the first episode but certainly for the last three or so seasons. Just when you think that he’s as morally reprehensible as the British royal family, he proves that he can always go one better, or one lower, as the case may be. Seeing him cannily maneuver Junior with a shrewdly underplayed cancer reveal is fatherly scheming only Tywin Lannister could match. Despite protestations to leave his children out of this, Walter is now willingly enveloping his own son in his morally dubious machinations; despite the fact that he’s just returned from the traumatic experience of being missing in action for two episodes. Not content with sullying his own family, Walt also manipulates his prodigal son Jesse into willing exile in a fittingly biblical display of manipulation.
If that wasn’t bad enough, Walter parlays Hank’s mighty wrecking ball of right and justice away from himself and right through the Schrader living room, ruining a homebrew station along the way as well as a still shrink wrapped blu-ray copy of Heat. When Walter warned you to “tread lightly” Hank, he didn’t mean to bark at him about right and wrong in the middle of the restaurant from Office Space during a family dinner and then question his manhood. The first time Hank took a shot at Walt’s manhood and his pride back in the pilot, he catalysed the Heisenberg reaction and birthed a methamphetamine empire. This time Walt effortlessly weaved Hank into the Heisenberg mythos, entangling him in dirty money while enshrouding himself in the boring impunity of cream cardigans.
Tread lightly Hank. So far you’ve been like a clown running across a minefield. If you keep this up, Walt will put that last nail in your coffin and bury you right next to Tim in Ruislip.
Confession: Frequently forgets baby Holly’s name but refuses to admit it.
Marie continues her campaign to destroy her own credibility as a level headed human being and competent maternal figure by first trying to lure Junior into the Scrader housefold then screeching –
“Why don’t you just kill yourself?! Just kill yourself”
at a family dinner in a chain restaurant like the demented harpie kleptoid that she’s become. Don’t see any Marie is a dope t-shirts? That’s because they sold out in about 5 minutes you MAD BITCH.
Confession: Enjoys going to shopping centers and looking for lost children she can rescue.
It’s been a bum week for Saul Goodman. Now sure, he has been held at gunpoint and pistol whipped by Jesse before, and in his line of work this probably happens a couple times a month (it’s one of the first things you learn to deal with in MIT’s criminal law program) but this is much more barbaric. Walt is pushing him around with words, ordering him to take a walk or threatening him with a forced vacation while Jesse is literally pushing him around and nicking his prized Hello Kitty burner.
Sure, Saul maybe brought this on himself by repeating his gambit with the amazing Huells sticky finger trick, but as comic relief he really should be above getting laid out in his office when there isn’t a questionable Asian masseuse present. Saul, pack your bags (MONEY SIZED BAGS!), let Subway retake the office and go try out for the bikini team in Miami.
Confession: Hoover max expert pressure pro vanish man is an elaborate work of Goodman fiction. He’s actually just a guy with a dodgy van vastly overcharging for cross country trips.
Trent ‘Gunner’ Howser
It’s not surprising that Trent has been Garduno’s employee of the month for over three years running now. Watching him swagger in offering up some bev’s with the look and confidence of one of Duke Nukems many bastards is testament to his unparalleled service acumen. Neither is it surprising that he was able to deftly slip between the jagged edges of that dinner chat and offer a look at the menu and some icy cold water to complement the frigid atmosphere. Nor is it surprising that after that scene ended, he sold the Schraders on a full three courses complete with margaritas and table mixed guacamole.
None of this is surprising because GUNNER IS GUS FRING’S TRUE PROTÉGÉ AND HE IS GUNNING FOR WALT AND HANK OH GOD.
Trent will be taking care of you very shortly…
Confession: Has never experienced love.
“Hey Mr White, it’s me. Todd. Uh, I know you’re probably real busy, with uh, retirement but I got some news I thought you should maybe know about. Me and Declan… oh you remember Declan? The guy you made a longstanding illegal drug manufacturing deal with? Yea, uh, we had a difference of opinion, so I had my Whitetrash Mercenaries execute him and everyone who worked for him.
And I saw Hooper, with Burt Reynolds. It’s really good. Oh! And I’ve been telling everyone I meet very specific details about criminal acts we’ve participated in together, even though you expressly told me not to. I don’t think it’ll be a problem though, I just told my uncles about the incredibly illegal federal crime train heist. Oh and my neighbour And some guys at a bar. And this waitress. And uh, some other people. I don’t think it’ll be a problem though.
Oh and uh, me and my mad uncles are taking over the crystal meth production and moving into New Mexico. Where you live. But I don’t expect it will cause any complications or investigations into your deep criminal past to arise. Anyway feel free to give me a call if you want the details. Maybe we can get together and… watch White Lightning, or… go get some beers or kill a dog. If you can’t make it it’s cool, so… whatever. Okay then. Thanks. Bye.”
Confession: Actually really likes those headphone jacks on the airplane armrest. They’re convenient.
Cousin Merle & Uncle Skeetch
Whitetrash Mercenary SOP:
- Kill everyone; refer to it as a change of management.
- Watch Hooper.
- Comb sleazy hair.
- Glower at waitresses.
- Beat up kids wearing bicycle helmets (for their own good).
- Shoot kids riding dirt bikes.
- Steal spiders.
Confession: Favourite Burt Reynolds performance is All Dogs Go To Heaven.
In Florida, checking out the Swedish bikini team.
Confession: Appeared in a sex education video about menstruation in 1974. Has killed everyone who’s ever seen it.
Hank ‘Italian Stallion’ Schrader
“Jesus Christ on a methylamine heist Marie!”
Hank has played his cards poorly this season; and by the end of that video he really should have been watching sitting down, it looks like Walter’s forced Hank to fold with a crazy handful of nothing, and not for the first time either. It’s really Hank’s own bluster and heavy footfalls which have undone him thus far. Walt plays his cards close to his chest; Hank flings his hand in Walts face and beats his chest like a grumpy bald gorilla.
Team Hank and Marie end up on the receiving end of the worst dinnershambles this side of the Red Wedding, and Hank manages to bungle yet another sure shot at Walt with an interrogation that would shame even Cole Phelps. Sorry Hank, looks like it’s time to hit the bench and let Pinkman pop a few three’s off before subbing back into the game. You’re a bum Hank! But maybe if he keeps his meaty left up and bides his time Hank can make a Rockyesque comeback late in the fight.
Confession: Has taken multiple trips to Holland to indulge his secret flower eating shame.
The broken husk of Ted Beneke attempts to suckle at the straw protruding from his Ensure Plus bottle, the only sustenance which his shattered body can now ingest and manage. The disgusting, saccharine liquid enters his mouth, and dribbles down his face onto his impotent frame, joining the tears flowing down his face.
Confession: Didn’t even like the heated floor tiles. They were too hot. Uncomfortable more than anything.
Not Ranked: Burt Reynolds, menstruation, guacamole, Raimi, Huell, Skyler White, Walter Junior, Lydia, the waitress, sled dogs, the Swedish bikini team, Vanish Van Man, Mr Credit To Society, Tywin Lannister, Tim in fucking fucking Ruislip.
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