The Power Ranking say a tearful, arrow strewn goodbye. See you in nine months! I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW!
#1 Tyrion Lannister (Last Week: Not Ranked)
One of the disappointing things about this season was the dissipation of focus on Tyrion. Following the Lil’ Lannister as he manoeuvred the precarious political climate of Kings Landing in the lead up to the climactic battle of Blackwater was Game of Thrones at its best. Tyrions presence has been sporadic this season, but when he hits he connects.
“Killed any puppies today?” Tyrion asserts his intentions right off the bat by blithely calling out King Pintsize on his douchebaggery. The ball is in Tyrion’s hands, and he fully intends to slam it, even if he is pretty much the full 10 feet away from the hoop. Few people in the entire Game of Thrones canon can mentally spar with Tywin on his level, never mind earn his begrudging respect despite being destined as a disappointment at the outset. If it was easy, everyone would do it.
Unfortunately Tyrion can’t entirely protect Sansa from Joffre’s cruel torment, by the time he reaches her she’s already in tears after Joffre told her about the Red Wedding via twitter. The drinking mentorship with Podrick (who I think at this point is being giggled at by random, awed women as he runs by) was vintage Tyrion. The relative lack of Bronn has been quite concerning, though he’s presumably working over over overtime getting through an enemies list longer than Theon’s favourite toy. I’m guessing he starts by breaking Pycelle’s old fingers.
#2 Tywin Lannister (Last Week: Stealth MVP/ruining a bar mitzvah from his bureau)
Not that anyone in their right mind was in any doubt, but we surely know who the most powerful man in Westeros is now. Who is more powerful, the boy who insists at every opportunity that he really is the king while scheming nasty pranks to play on little girls, or the man who orders said little shit to bed without even standing up?
The fact that the best recourse Joffrey has is mewling about how he IS NOT TIRED really only solidifies the idea that he is and always will be an overgrown child, sleepily screaming his annoying little head off about how not tired he is while flinging toys at the wall. It seems as long as we have Supernanny Tywin on the case, King bendy straws won’t be serving any family members… family members for dinner any time soon.
The Lord of the Dance is one of the many characters who have been justifying their actions based on preventing tomorrow’s holocaust by committing today’s atrocity. Why is it better to beat my opponents in a race fair and square when I could just as easily tie their shoelaces together at the starting line? Why is it more honourable to kill ten thousand men in battle than a dozen at dinner? He does have a fair point here. Economy of scale, lives saved at the expense of a few broken dishes and bloodied tablecloths. It’s not like you have to brutally stab a preg… no wait never mind. Well it’s not like its Tywin’s problem, he sends the raven and turns his attention to his next power play.
This is why you don’t want to be on the Westerosi equivalent of Come Dine With Me. You spend the whole thing trying to: avoid a crushingly (possibly fatal) conversation with sober like a fox Roose Bolton, being grammatically corrected at length by Stannis, wondering what ungodly ingredients Ramsay Bolton used in the toad in the hole, arguing with Barristan Selmy about whether Diagnosis Murder or Murder She Wrote is better, praying Joffre doesn’t plop down your aunts tits on your plate and through it all hoping to the Seven that Tywin hasn’t arranged the entire thing to be a swift execution job.
It seems the one thing Tywin isn’t any good at is parenting.
The day you were born , I wanted to carry you into the sea and let the waves carry you away.
It is sad that Tywin didn’t bring Tyrion out to the brow of Casterly Rock, holding him up to the sun and letting him see all of the dominions it was his birth given right to sneakily control from behind the scenes like he presumably did with Jaime. He does seem to respect his intelligence though, and they can only grow closer as things progress through a shared contempt of Joffre (much like every GOT viewer).
#3 Davos Seaworth! (Last Week: Not Ranked)
She does know her way around a man’s head…”
For a guy only just now getting to grips with literacy, Davos really has both hands around the hilt of sharp wordplay (now to meet up with JMor for the masterclass). Davos seems to be upholding Ned Stark’s long dead, beheaded, rotted to bones and shipped off in a chest by Petyr Baelish – Yorkshire samurai code of honour by saving Gendry from sex pyromancy. It’s easy to falsely justify burning just one little bastard in the name of taking a kingdom, but Davos isn’t having any of it. He won’t let his boy Stannis lose his…head to the Red Lady’s big words and low cut dresses.
That newfound knack for reading has helped him hang onto his own head, which is just as well, because Stan the man needs that good head on noble shoulders more and more as he contemplates moving north. You’re going to need to unite houses, pirates and sellswords to fight for you Stannis and you can’t do that yourself. Know why? Because, as you may remember, every character outwith the Dragonstone inner circle has the same opinion of him, which is that he’s a boring, cheerless fuck. Everyone at that wedding is jubilant at the thought that he isn’t coming because they don’t have to worry about getting stuck sitting with him. Basically the only worse person to get stuck with at a wedding reception is Roose Bolton. Stannis needs Davos because he’s the only interesting, charismatic presence at his disposal. He’s not the Onion Knight. He’s the Hype Knight.
#4 THE HOUND (Last Week: munching hogs feet)
When even THE FUCKING HOUND, a man who learned about barbarism before most of us could spell night with a g is astounded at the degree of human misery and cruelty on display, you know shit has gotten pretty fucked up. Pretty fucked up is exactly how I would describe the desecrated bodies of Robb Stark and Grey Wind being paraded around on a board by Frey twats, and from the look on his face that’s how big Sandor would describe it as well.
It’s classic Hound that he isn’t even angry or upset at the melee Arya instigates, he just wanted a heads up so he was more prepared to carve heads up. Hey, gimme some warning next time! I think I could have cleaved those three guys on the log in one go!
Nick Clegane slices up those Frey’s like Gordon Ramsay chopping onions, carrots and bacon for a slightly too familiar tasting pie. This is a man who kills three people in Mortal Kombat like he’s setting about a hearty breakfast, which he does tuck into immediately after the melee. He’s more than happy to murder four people for a sit down and some supper, and if ever there was a description of someone you do not cross that’s probably it. Do not ever change Sandor.
#5 Jon Snow (Last Week: 3)
Jon Snow, you know nothing about breakups. After sinking lower than breakup by text (breakup by shoving) you actually found a line worse than “it’s not you it’s me”. No Jon, when your psycho guerrilla ex girlfriend tracks you down wielding a deadly weapon you do not repeatedly, tearfully exclaim “I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW!”
Jon that’s what you say when you’re 8 years old and need to stop playing with your friends at the park because it’s almost seven and you know that dinner will be ready soon. This is the woman who told you “Don’t ever betray me. Because I’ll cut your pretty cock right off and wear it round me neck” but you didn’t think she’d hurt you. It’s a good thing your back with Pip and Sam now, that way you’re no longer the most gormless person in the room.
#6 Roose Bolton (Last Week: Keeping his wits about him)
This week finds Roose and Lord Voldemort’s grubby nephew Walder Frey swanning around the aftermath of the Red Wedding like pantomime villains. It’s pretty clear that Walder is surplus to requirements at this point, unlikable to begin with and now an oath breaking pariah. The newly minted Warden of the North looks like he’s only barely putting up with the old coot, and it’s hard to believe Tywin Lannister or his non union northern equivalent Bolton will let him munch on the juicy peach position of Lord of the Riverlands for too much longer.
Roose is twirling his moustache so much he’s starting to look like the fucking Go Compare guy. But he’s still keeping his wits about him even as the last pools of Stark blood are scrubbed off his heels, and for good reason. As he notes, The Blackfish has escaped and has rather good reason to put the two of them on his you’re fucked list. Walder thinks it’s nothing to worry about because he’s just an old man with no friends (remind you of anyone?), but Michael Bolton doesn’t look wholly convinced nor should he. As we found out last week, life in Westeros is much like life in Derry, Maine. You need to stay on your toes at all times, because you might get got!
I’ll let you boys in on a little secret, The Blackfish doesn’t escape. If you’re lucky, you escape The Blackfish, and not for long, because if he wants you there’s not a eunuch army in all the seven kingdoms that can keep him away. He’s behind you!
#7 Yara Greyjoy (Last Week: Not Ranked)
Last week, decrepit old shit Walder Frey of all people took the number one spot. It’s good to know that the the seven kingdoms are still the right way up when we check in with Balon Greyjoy, who is both still a miserable old cunt and still about as far away from the top spot as his son is from carrying on the family name.
It’s good to see that there is perhaps one cool Greyjoy left after their massive unravelling at the hands of bad motherfuckers who are now serving teen dragon queens or rotting in the dirt. Before now, Theon’s hopes were much like the sapphires of Tarth (non existent) but Yara is commandeering their fastest ship, gathering 50 of the Iron Islands hardest pipe hittin’ niggas and sailing around the world to storm the Dreadfort and rescue her bro. And for that I’m giving her seventh place. All of that shit is like putting badass bucks away in the bank to accumulate interest for next season, and I keenly await the confrontation of bastard family 1 with bastard family 2 in nine months time.
#8 Ramsay Bolton (Last Week: Probably still being an utter shit)
Well thanks to papa teetotal’s smirking exposition, we now have a proper name for Sterling Archer and an explanation as to just what the fuck is up with Theon’s half deserved half too outrageously fucked up to even discuss stay in the Dreadfort, which has been making getting waterboarded in Guantanamo Bay look like a relaxing vacation in the Summer Isles.
Psychotic sausage waggler Ramsay seems to have an endless font of cruelty, but a poor understanding of hostage taking. You don’t begin by chopping a cock off and mailing it to the next of kin – there’s not much left to bargain for. You may as well just behead him and have the family negotiate for torso scraps, which is the Joffre approach. It seems that for the time being we’ll be seeing a good deal more of Gordon Ramsay’s dungeon nightmares and barring the event that Tywin ships the cranky boy king up the Dreadfort to get some shut eye and provide the evil parallel universe Jon Snow with a new toy, Theon will be too.
#9 Arya Stark (Last Week: Not Ranked)
It seems the little Starks are beginning to step up after being bumped up in the line of succession, first Bran and now Arya. Thus far Arya has merely been near bad motherfuckers like Syrio, J’aqen, Berric and now The Hound without being an active participant in the action. She’s been a direwolf that’s all bark and no bite with the emphasis on dire.
Finally though, she makes good on all the promise of cold blooded murder with some actual cold blooded murder. It’s taken the better part of three seasons but we are finally making good on the promise that began with chasing cats and continued with the magical death coin. She and The Hound actually make a pretty good team, I’m happy with the pairing even if it’s just to the extent that she starts shit and he finishes it – because there’s very little shit he can’t finish. As long as she doesn’t pick any fights with the human torch we should be all good.
#10 Samwell Tarly (Last Week: Not Ranked)
Sam has come a long way from the useless plump coward we met in season 1. Sure, he’s still kind of a useless plump coward, but he travelled way beyond the wall and then back again with a baby in tow, became the first man to kill a white walker in thousands of years and penned the letters which seem to be dictating the path of season 4. He’s no longer merely a feast of a man, and reunited with Jon Snow he might just be able to complete the package of knowledge is power, power is power that has proven so effective for Tywin Lannister.
Not Ranked: Gin alley, Bran Stark, Hodor, diamond dawg Varys, Osha, Shae, Desmond Craighor, Sansa Stark, Tim Curry, Come Dine With Me, Stannis, Berric Dondarrion, Gendry, bowls of brown, Edmure Groomzilla Tully, Reek, Jaime Lannister, Brienne, the Go Compare guy, Gordon Ramsey, Old Man Ownage, Jorah Mormont, Margaerry Tyrell, Loras Tyrell, Podrick, Edmund Sarsfield, Pork Sausage.