Stream of Consciousness Review: Commando

  • Garbagemen making early morning pickups is a low key way for an 80’s Arnold Schwarzenegger actionfest to begin.
  • This couple kind of look like a proto Sopranos Tony and Carmela.
  • This driveway is also very Sopranos.
  • Scratch that the garbagemen were assassins and they just iced that guy.
  • Cause the Garbageman caaaaaan!
  • This Cadillac salesman is so fucking seventies. Turtleneck, blazer, Travolta hair.
  • That’s him dead.
  • These guys are definitely villains. You can tell because they either have dodgy facial hair, or are black. Also they’re killing people and detonating remote explosives, so there’s that.
  • The outrageous synth score kicks in as a rippling, glistening Arnold strides into the movie, holding a massive log in one arm and a chainsaw in the other. In case you weren’t sure,  IT’S 1985.
  • Not just synth, sultry saxophone and steel drums too.
  • Why are you swapping ice cream cones, you have the same flavour.
  • The score is getting a bit heated for a father/daughter fishing, playing and feeding a doe.
  • This feels like the happy ending after another Schwarzenegger movie.
  • An army helicopter is approaching, your happy daughter montages are numbered Arnold.
  • I think that’s Cristoph Waltz’s dad that’s just arrived.
  • “Silent and smooth just like always”  “Should be, you taught me” – not gay at all.
  • Prolonged man touching there.
  • Jackson and Harris are going to stay behind and help protect them. They’re good apparently. Should be fine then.
  • Jackson and Harris are dead.
  • Arnold is in play.
  • You gotta cooperate, right? Wrong!
  • Car won’t start? Shove it down a hill and steer it where you want to go #ArnoldThink.
  • Bennet seems to be the chief henchman. He looks like Freddie Mercury, but gayer. No really.
  • Evidence: moustache, haircut, leather trousers, leather fingerless gloves, chain, Australian. Need I say more.
  • He’s called John Matrix?
  • So they have his daughter and they’re making him do stuff. That’s about all you need to know.
  • Tiny smarmy suit guy is called Sully, and he’s going to be killed last.
  • Neck break count:1
  • “Don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired”
  • God this music. It’s like if Escape from Monkey Island was a John Carpenter action movie.
  • “Ask me about these fine suede eyepatches”
  • Arnold jumped from the landing gear of a plane as it was taking off, and is completely fine. That would be implausible if he were anyone else.
  • Remember when you could smoke in airports and harass black women because you’re a wee cunt? Smarmy wee suit guy remembers.
  • Of course you want her to slow down, her legs are longer than you are, how are you keeping up?
  • Arnold ripped a seat out of a convertible with his bare hands, which was probably an unscripted accident.
  • Stop calling him John Matrix, it gets sillier every time!
  • Austrian man forcing a black woman to do his bidding. No dark undertones here at all.
  • “Suspect, six foot two… he’s one gigantic motherfucker!”
  • Oh no. Arnold frolicking around a shopping centre is giving me bad Jingle all the way flashbacks.
  • His daughter being kidnapped basically gives him licence to do whatever, including maiming like 17 mall cops.
  • *Shrugs off getting hit by a speeding car
  • In most movies, a car chase then crash would be the apex of the action. Here it’s downtime.
  • “Remember when I promised to kill you last? I lied”
  • Car is sideways, shove it the right way up #ArnoldThink.
  • Arnold is brawling in a hotel room with the black cook from The Shining.
  • Scatman got impaled. Serves him right for illegally impersonating a garbageman.
  • Gate is padlocked shut. Tear it off with your bare hands #ArnoldThink
  • Wouldn’t it be great if JOHN MATRIX had ended up at some other villains secret base of operations entirely by chance?
  • Need to get into closed army surplus/Arnold supply shop quickly. Drive forklift through wall #ArnoldThink
  • No really, this place specifically caters to Arnold Schwarzenegger. “What’s that?” “Rocket launcher”.
  • I thought that was going to be a neck break, but then he just bludgeoned his head off a wall for some variety.
  • Old plane won’t start. Slam on cockpit like the Fonz #ArnoldThink
  • Arnold is making his way to Bad Guy HQ on a dingy loaded with every weapon ever conceived, in speedos.
  • Bad Guy press release: “This is the one thing we didn’t want to happen”
  • Speedos changed colour in that shot. Poor speedo continuity.
  • Arnold has never been more dangerous than at this very moment.
  • Throwing knives, Far Cry 3 style.
  • I’m going to need a new ownage meter.
  • Bennet is mildly aroused at the prospect of Arnold blowing everything up, though aren’t we all?
  • Arnold is basically staging a one man coup right now.
  • Unintended consequence: JOHN MATRIX is now a South American despot.
  • HE CUT THAT GUYS FUCKING ARM CLEAN OFF OH MY GOD
  • Just Bennet left now, chasing a little girl around a boiler room like fucking gay Freddy Krueger
  • Knife fight with the boss. This really is Far Cry 3.
  • “Let off some steam, Bennet”
  • I’m sure seeing her father impale a man with a pipe won’t impact this girl in any way whatsoever.
  • This movie had more stuntmen than actors
  • And that was the last time Arnold Schwarzenegger ever had to kill anyone (in 1985).

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One comment

  1. […] Hide impossibly important McGuffin in vending machine. CapThink. […]

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