Game of Thrones gets the first of several weddings underway, switching gears from the bear baiting and castration of last episode. Memorial day weekend means there will be no episode next week, so the Power Ranking will continue in a fortnights time. See you then.
#1 Tyrion Lannister (Last Week: Not Ranked)
“If my father wants someone to get fucked I know where he can start”
A spectacularly drunken Tyrion and his drunk cock put in a good performance this week. It’s a wedding absolutely no one but Tywin Lannister wanted, but Tyrion does his best to make it palatable for his betrothed.
Things get off to a poor start despite Tyrion’s best efforts. The only thing more upsetting than being walked down the aisle by realm daddy Joffre would be Ned Starks headless, rotting corpse (though only marginally). And of course, no girl dreams of being wedded to a disfigured dwarf in a stage from Mortal Kombat.
At least Sansa’s first time won’t involve Tyrion vomiting on her tits (Mero calls that, ‘Wednesday’) and being subsequently gang raped by Joffre and the Kings guard (props to Bronn for presumably nipping that in the knackers offscreen).
So what exactly did the half man do? Well firstly he takes the honourable route by refusing to Savile Sansa Stark. Then he takes an admirable stance against MacDaddy Lannister’s authority. True, it’s only in the form of juvenile behaviour to make him uncomfortable and secretly preserving the honour of naive, virginal, swan necked plot device Sansa – but any man willing to stand up to Tywin Lannister deserves the praise (since he’ll most likely be swiftly destroyed in every conceivable way).
And of course let’s not forget the absolute shotgun blast of ownage he rains down on boy tyrant Joffre – “You’ll be FUCKING YOUR BRIDE WITH A WOODEN COCK”. Yes, threatening to Pinocchio that little shit was a work of beauty from the God of tits and wine.
There will be no bedding ceremony.
# 2 Tywin Lannister (Last Week: 1)
Silencing an entire giggling wedding ceremony with a single stern look. Rearranging the Westeros game board at his will. Orchestrating three weddings he can barely even stand to be at. Yes, Tywin Lannister continues to be Tywin Lannister; but he earns his place this week almost purely for his stranglehold on twitter during the ceremony.
# 3 Daario Naharis (Last Week: Not Ranked)
Dazza! Taking out titanic bastard and cunt (enthusiast) Mero and his native American spirit guide, in doing so betraying his comrades and leaving behind a burgeoning rap career partly to perv on the Kaly C’s goods and partly because he just doesn’t like being told what to do is… an unusual motivation.
On the other hand his pal Mero is all about sharing, so he’s probably fine with sharing that sack with his fellow captain. Really though, arse pinching the help, lewd comments, demanding booze, this guy was asking for it. Get back to Mad Men Mero.
So the smiley Conan cosplayer makes an impact right off the bat. I’m sure his two new comrades might be doing their trademark eyebrow raises at the contents of that bag. My advice to Old Man Ownage and JMor is, when it comes to this guy, agree to disagree.
#4 The Hound (Last Week: 10)
“Fuck Joffre. Fuck the queen”
You try to bash The Hound’s head in with a boulder while he sleeps. What does he say? Come ahead. You get one try, hit me hard.
The Hound has had a really good run these last few weeks, not only is he livening things up by mixing it up with magical swordsmen, he’s now delivering boring action distraction Arya to her mother, and sewing up that frayed end of a plot thread. He didn’t get the Stark girl he wanted, but he’s doing good work. Maybe he can roam the lands, sorting out the stagnating stories and wankers of Westeros.
The Hound appears beyond the wall, telling Jon and Sam to rub their cocks together and generate some energy up there.
The Hound appears in the Vale and tosses Lord Baelish down the moon door, along with a ladder in case he intends to make the climb back up.
The Hound appears back in Kings Landing, crashing Cersei’s wedding and spoiling it by starting a drinking contest with Bronn and Tyrion.
#5 Grey Worm (Last Week: Not Ranked)
Taking a page from the Brynden Tully playbook, the worm makes his mark with a single line. Jorah says mind your tongue, Grey Worm is one word away from cutting it out purely on principle.
#6 Davos Seaworth (Last Week: Not Ranked)
“Two meals a day, cold for breakfast, hot for supper. Can’t complain.”
No Davos, you really can complain. There’s being a good right hand man, then there’s being imprisoned for no good reason and being grateful for it. You may actually be the one redeeming feature of the entire Stannis operation. The only voice of reason holding Stannis back from full scale nephew snatching blood ritual mania certainly doesn’t deserve to be locked up. Hell we’re getting enough of that up North with Theon.
Now that he’s finished reading The Hungry Caterpillar, and out of prison maybe Davos can actually get back into the thick of the action. My vote is he gets sent up to the Iron Islands to deal with miserable joy strangler Balon Greyjoy personally, because when you want something done, there’s magic sex rituals and then there’s Davos Seaworth.
#7 Cersei Lannister (Last Week: Not Ranked)
Cersei Lannister doesn’t really do veiled threats. She tears the veil down, then tries to smother you with it.
So… you’re the second richest family in Westeros. Do you know what happened to the previous second richest family in Westeros? We killed them. Slaughtered. All of them. Executed. Dead. And now we sing songs about it all the time, because hanging the bodies on the gates all summer wasn’t enough of a message apparently.
But just in case that was too subtle, she also threatens to have Margery Tyrell strangled in her sleep. Then again, at least she’s not pinching stepping stools and threatening rape on newlyweds.
Now I can’t imagine one leechful of bastard blood is enough to get a kill, but hopefully that cock blood voodoo magic at least means that Joffre might say, snag his bollocks on the Iron Throne, or catch some crossbow backfire in the eye or something.
#8 Samwell Tarly (Last Week: Not Ranked)
So there’s a pretty severe gulf between Sam’s philosophical differences (winks and blinks), and Daario’s (heads in bags). Against all expectations though, Sam kicks just about as much ass as Daario in straight icing the child snatching White Walker Jimmy Savile creature that’s been terrorising him since the end of season two.
Cheers for escaping the Jeremy Kyle show incest family from hell, valiantly protecting a young mother and her child then defeating a mythical ice warrior in single combat. Jeers for leaving the crucially important magic dragonglass dagger in the snow. You had one job Tarly. One job!
Run your fat ass back to Jon Snow, and leave the semantic language arguments to Stannis.
#9 Stannis Baratheon (Last Week: Humourless Arsehole)
We don’t choose our destiny? Yea Stan, that’s fine when your destiny is overthrowing Westeros, plopping your arse down on the iron throne and correcting minor syntax errors with the authority of a monarch rather than just being a pedantic wanker lording over a gloomy sea battered dragonskeep.
But suppose your destiny was up North being castrated by Sterling Archer, or being cock leeched to death, or licking out Mero’s arsehole like you were born to do it? I think Stannis is actually more of a choose your own adventure, make your own luck sort of guy at heart.
Regardless, props for unleashing the Onion Knight and taking his advice to keep wine enthusiast Gendry intact. Maybe now take another lesson from the Seaworth guide to life and START GIVING A SHIT ABOUT YOUR KID STANNIS.
#10 Barristan & the Bear’s comedy sniping hour (Last Week: Tired. Having a sit down)
“The Second Sons have faced worse… and run”
Oooh, another absolute scorcher Jorah. Who cares about 8000 eunuch warriors when you have this standard of passive aggressive snide remark at your disposal? Selmy gets in on the action as well:
“Ser Barristan, when it comes to combat. Kill that one first”
“Gladly your Grace”
Ownage. Though what might have been more useful than self satisfied banter and cheeky comments might be, oh I don’t know, actually being present to stop an attempted assassination.
Really boys, you’re supposed to be bodyguards. Where were you when the mercenary was sneaking into the camp? Rubbing liniment oil into your joints, reading Tom Clancy novels and getting an early night? Maybe you two really should be getting put out to pasture.
Not Ranked: Jon Snow, Petyr Baelish, Twitter, Robb Stark, WHERE ARE THE FUCKING DRAGONS, Edmure Tully, Hodor, Bran Stark, Summer Isle Style, leeches, boulders, Gregor Clegane, Tom Clancy, Dornish wine, Loras Tyrell, Olenna Tyrell, dragonglass, the Titans bastard, wooden cocks, Mad Men, Mortal Kombat, Joffre, House Reyne of Castamere, Pinocchio.