The Power Rankings return after a short exam hiatus. Thankfully, it seems we missed very little last week. Jon Snow took up extreme sports, Tywin Lannister did a spot of gardening, Petyr Bitchlish killed a whore and the laws of fists compelled teeth.
On with the rankings!
#1 Tywin Lannister (Last Week: 7)
Tywin Lannister has been playing the Game of Thrones like he’s its fucking end game boss. Strictly come Dancing pirouettes, steps and shimmies around lesser power rankings players like Tyrion, Cersei and Olenna like he’s in a fucking Jamiroquai video.
After putting his children to use securing tactical marriages in his own personal game of Sid Meier’s/Tywin Lannister’s Civilisation Westeros and trimming the rose garden of uppity thorn queen Olenna, Tywin sets his sights on his own grandson, Joffrey ‘Whoreslayer’ Baratheon.
The Lord of the Dance, Warden of the West and Boss of Bosses proves to be beyond even the purview of the Iron Throne (even if it’s only a cowardly boy psycho sitting in it, like a screaming toddler in the car seat of a vehicle he couldn’t hope to drive), swiftly putting his debased, psychotic incest Grandspawn in his place.
Seriously, Tywin walking up some stairs is so imposing, little Joffrey looks like he’s just shit a lego garage at the sight of it. He then goes on to clinically debase and undermine the little shit like he’s going to work on a stag that needs butchered for dinner. Joff sending the Kings Guard to assassinate Tyrion was stupid; attempting it with Tywin would be outright suicidal.
When Ned Stark was hand of the King, the addage was that the King shits and the hand wipes. With Tywin, it’s more the case that the King asks, and the hand bitch slaps. The pimp hand of the King doesn’t have time for curiosities at the end of the world, walking to the small council chamber or King whinging. He has work to do in the tower of the hand. If you’d like to visit, arrangements could be made to have you carried there.
“You are being counselled at this very moment”
#2 Jaime Lannister (Last week: 5)
Most men wouldn’t jump into an actual bear pit for all the sapphires in Tarth, but Jaime Lannister is not most men. The BITCHSLAYER dives right in there, armed with only a fist, a stump and an admittedly sweet haircut out of pure badassery (and some chivalry).
There’s a lot of talk on Game of Thrones about honour, oaths and righteousness, but you can count the number of men in Westeros who would throw themselves into a bear fight, unarmed to gallantly protect a lady on one hand (sorry J man).
At this stage I wouldn’t be entirely shocked by Jaime adding that Grizzly to his countless kills and taking up the mantle of Bearslayer from Rapey Ras up beyond the wall (Daddy Mormont you will be missed). Hell, I’m half expecting that by the time the J man returns to Kings Landing, Maester Fight Club will have him fully equipped with a massive golden sword bolted to his arm so that he can fully become a literal human weapon/sister fucker.
For the moment, I’ll settle for him sticking a golden hand up ratty Disney villain Locke’s equally ratty and villainous ass. I get the feeling Locke is destined to spend the rest of his life in the dungeons of Casterly Rock fulfilling the unenviable task of knitting Jaime’s tunics with one hand and only bears for company.
“Sorry about the sapphires”
#3 Robb Stark (Last Week: 4)
Internet scuttlebutt claims that Robb Stark has been on the downslide, making poor decisions like FreyGate and beheading everyone’s favourite child murderer Richie Karstark. While still being a tactical force greater than Genghis Khan and Sun Tsu’s lovechild, the consensus is that Robb’s shaping up to be a poor king.
I however, disagree. Slipping out of his promise to wed the Adam’s family’s least revolting daughter while simultaneously shifting that betrothal to mewling quim Edmure from the Goodling enquiry with little to no consequence is some Kingly manoeuvring.
And let’s not forget “We should all get some sleep” which of course is actually Robb Stark code for you all need to get out of this tent so I can get my wolf on.
#4 Brynden Tully (Last Week: 10)
“Prickly? Is that what you call it? Might be the least pleasant man I’ve ever met. I’ve seen wet shit I like better than Walder Frey”
Yes, and I’ve seen wet shit I’d happily munch down on by the spoonful to realise my dream of a Game of Thrones in which Blackfish, Bronn and The Hound go on their own personal Lord of The Rings adventure, slicing up fools and being generally badass.
Come back anytime Blackfish, you’ll have a place on the rankings for as long as Walder Frey and Balon Greyjoy are miserable cunts (that is forever and ever until the end of time). And did you catch that nod to Robb as he left? The Blackfish knows what’s up.
#5 Sterling Archer (Last Week: not ranked, probably torturing Theon)
If you had asked me at the outset of season three if Theon Greyjoy, after being subjected to extended torture, was then tempted with the seemingly salacious reprieve of a sexy nun and her game friend before being cruelly (literally) stripped of that glimmer of sexy hope via a brutal forced castration – was too much, I might have said yes, that sounds excessive, even for Greyboy.
But when Sterling gleefully emerges, horn in hand (which he’s been using to torment Theon with ever since the siege of Winterfell) and with the Chuckle Brothers of penectomy at his side to exact his grim toll, you just have to admire the artistry.
I mean really, this is the kind of revenge that most people just don’t have the patience, the diligence for. But not Sterling, no, he sees it through, does it properly. We could all learn a lot from this man.
Theon Greyjoy has given up the right to a life without pain, and he deserves to be punished. Clearly Sterling Archer is the man for the job, it’s as if he’s been gifted unto this world by the grim Gods of ownage and dark reciprocity.
And once he separates that legendary dick from its master; he ensures that he is the only legendary dick in the room.
#6 Brienne (Last Week: not ranked)
Far from “a shameful fucking performance”, taking on a bear using a wooden sword while wearing a skimpy dress is a feat worthy of Tywin Lannister, if you’ll excuse the mental image.
Even if she did bearly make it out of there alive, it was a show well worth 300 Gold Dragons if not all the sapphires in Tarth (there’s only six anyway).
#7 Maester Fight Club (Last Week: not ranked)
Yes, even simply rubbing Sudocrem into a wound makes you more medically adept than crazy old poppy milk fiend Pycelle. As we discover in this episode, the good doctors not a pederast, but he does have a proclivity for dissecting the homeless out of… curiosity. Cum se cum sa I suppose.
True, his study methodology and research ethics may be a tad barbaric, but he’s apparently the ideal man to have around when you have a stump that needs seeing to, and for that he might just get his chain back.
#8 Gendry (Last Week: not ranked)
He may be just a poor armourers apprentice born in Fleabottom, but it seems that the little bastard who could is moving on up in the world because of Robert Baratheon’s blue blood (which is mostly comprised of boar, mead and bad low density cholesterol).
Thanks to Chris De Burgh’s Lady In Red, wee Gendry may well be moving into his Dad’s old place, living out the rest of his days as Melissandre’s fuck puppet (also good) or being sacrificed in a blood ritual to get Stan the man’s regal juices flowing again (less good).
#9 Hodor (Last Week: not ranked)
Hodor glances around quizzically, searching for the right words to explain why the two young lords converse, rather than take a more active role in the practicalities of travel.
For they are lords, but more than that they are gifted with the power to answer to this worlds sins, so does the magic beyond the wall call out to them. It is a great journey they embark upon to aid in this task, and one which has repercussions far beyond the understanding of mortal men, be they highborn or low.
#10 Petyr Baelish (Last Week: not ranked)
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. No chance Charles Dance, not fucking ranked.
#10 Osha (Last Week: not ranked)
Protecting the little Lord of Winterfell and being the lone voice of reason despite…
Actually, bollocking a 12 year old paraplegic and his epileptic pal then telling an anecdote about your zombie ex boyfriend aren’t really ranking worth. NOT RANKED.
#10 The Hound (Last Week: 1)
“Kick all you like wolf girl, it won’t do you no good”
Yes! Either kill the “Stark bitch” or speed her along on the way to becoming a faceless vengeance dealer because at this moment I’m fine with either, but not with more bitching about betrayal, going to Harrenhall and Gendry.
I understand that everyone loves Arya for whatever reason, but right now her story is too much bus journey and not enough fireworks factory. Thus far she’s mainly been near a lot of badass shit perpetrated by badass motherfuckers, but she’s not exactly central so SORT IT OR ABORT IT.
Not Ranked: Jorah Mormont, Jon Snow, Jamiroquai, Lord Varys, Catlyn Stark, Bruce Forsyth, Sun Tsu, Sansa Stark, Tyrion, Chris De Burgh, Berric Dondarrion, Berric Dondarrion’s boyfriend, Arya Stark, Edmure Tully, quim, regal juices, Grand Maester Pycelle, Robert Baratheon, Bob ‘two cups’ Benson, Walder Frey, sapphires, Grizzly Bear, Locke, castration.