Stream Of Consciousness Review: Avengers Assemble

  • So it seems Zordon from the power rangers is lording over a kind of zombie mummy army, and there’s a… cube?
  • Now it’s Afghanistan or something, there’s a helicopter.
  • Samuel L Jackson was in the chopper. He seems to have glaucoma.
  • Jeremy Renner is explaining the cube. Phillip Schoefield is nowhere to be seen.
  • I think Samuel L Jackson is cosplaying as Morpheus from the Matrix.
  • The cube has teleported in Pete Campbell from Mad Men and he has a spear.
  • Pete Campbell is killing everyone.
  • Pete is stealing people’s heart making them sad and evil like some kind of Disney villain.
  • A big explosion sucked pretty much everyone who isn’t on the poster into the ground.
  • Trumpets and a late title card. Always a fan of the late title card.
  • Russian guys asking “who are you working for” is probably the biggest trope in movies.
  • Did she just kill a guy with her hair?
  • No just quite badly maimed (?).
  • For a “big guy” this Bruce Banner dude is kinda small.
  • He’s a doctor, I guess they need him for the lab or something?
  • Less than a year without an incident. Guess he’s a heroin addict or something.
  • Samuel L Jackson is talking to the council from XCOM!
  • They’re talking about Thor? THE NORSE GOD OF THUNDER. Yea he’s probably not going to be much use considering he’s a FICTIONAL DEITY.
  • I think they’re recruiting a sort of 1950’s Ryan Gosling soldier boxer guy.
  • It’s Iron Man! I know this guy.
  • He’s powering his building with vanity and banter it seems.
  • Impressive how that agent guy can saunter through the security in narcissism tower so easily
  • The government has cock blocked Tony Stark.
  • Ryan Gosling was the world first superhero apparently, and agent guy watches him sleep.
  • Pete Campbell is talking to the people who used to hang out on the moon and villianise the power rangers.
  • Dr Banner is looking quite skittish. Probably jonesing for another hit.
  • It’s an aircraft carrier that flies; which is kind of like a boat carrier that also goes on land. They presumably got it cheap from the production of an overly ambitious Top Gun sequel.
  • Agent guy has a mancrush on Ryan Gosling. Surprisingly progressive.
  • Well he’s in luck, from the looks of that costume he is definitely gay.
  • Pete Campbell is terrorising an opera with his spear. This is exactly the reason I hate him in Mad Men, but here it’s pretty funny.
  • Now he’s teleporting around, forcing people to kneel and smugly berating them.
  • WAIT THOR IS ACTUALLY HERE. This movie is just making shit up as it goes along.
  • Captain America is a fundamentalist Christian. I wonder how long it takes before he tells us what he thinks about abortion and gay marriage.
  • Iron man is fighting the god of thunder. This is like a heavy metal album cover.
  • Captain family values intervenes. He wants Thor to “put the hammer down”, a phrase which has gained all new meaning while he’s been frozen.
  • Pete is looking quite smug for a guy who’s been put in the interrogation room from XCOM.
  • So the lady, the physicist, Thor, Captain America, Iron Man and the Honey Monster are discussing their next move.  This has been written by an 8 year old.
  • A good 5 or 10 minutes of bickering. Do these people have nothing better to do?
  • Captain America is off exploring secret areas trying to find unlockables. Also he never seems to take off his outfit. He must be in the closet.
  • We’re being informed that Natalie Portman couldn’t be bothered showing up for this.
  • Ryan Gosling found some gimp masks.
  • “This is my bargain you mewling quimm” Campbell has been taking lessons from Malcolm Tucker.
  • So America needs guns that kill superheroes. Spiderman just coughed up his cheerios.
  • Captain America thinks Tony Stark is a bad guy. With that facial hair I’m not surprised.
  • That guy brought a bow to a gun/robot/Norse God fight.
  • Dr Banner is a big monster now and everyone is fighting everyone.
  • Looks like its hammer time again.
  • Can’t touch this.
  • Wow Sam Jackson really is Morpheus.
  • Iron man is just having to fix stuff. A valuable use of his time.
  • An arrow that hacks into computers, what a useful contraption.
  • Pete Campbell has the most dickish selection of powers. Half of his moves are pretty much taunting and smirks.
  • Pervy agent guy had a big gun but then he got stabbed by THE SPEAR OF CAMPBELL.
  • Captain America has been clinging onto a wire trying not to fall off the sky barge for like ten minutes. He can’t fly or anything. His only power is biceps.
  • This must be almost over now, it’s been like 2 hours.  No one has this much time for superhero shenanigans.
  • Ryan gosling has opted for a long sleeved navy shirt. Need to be comfortable for this Jackson exposition.
  •  Thor is calling down lightning and bathing in it for no real reason. Shit must be getting real.
  • Looks like the final confrontation will be staged on Pete Campbell’s home turf, Madison Avenue New York.
  • Yes Tony, we get it. You have gadgets. No need to rub it in.
  • The power rangers bad guy army is here! Get the zords out bitches.
  • Russian dashcam footage of aliens blowing up New York.
  • God Fight.
  • The NYPD are slightly out of their league on this one.
  • God boxing.
  • Bow guy can fly a jet too. Weird skillset.
  • New York cops. Incredulous smartasses even in the most bizarre and exceptional of circumstances.
  • Pete’s zombie mummy gears of war army are in effect.
  • The civilian casualties in this film would make Josef Mengele tear up.
  • That guy ran out of arrows and went home.
  • Every time I see Iron Man I hear guitar shredding. Not sure if that’s the movie or just me.
  • The XCOM council always calls at the worst times.
  • Did Sam Jackson just blow up the wrong jet?
  • Do all superhero movies end with a nuclear bomb almost destroying a whole city?
  • How would the world handle an alien invasion and the unveiling of superheroes in one day? Twitter would melt the fuck down.
  • Will we ever get through one of these films without Tony Starks house being trashed?
  • And thus the cube returns to its rightful dimension, and I can sleep tonight, satisfied with that knowledge.
  • They won.

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