And thus begins the Game of Thrones Power Rankings, a few episodes (seasons) late and even more Gold Dragons short. Please check out the much better Mad Men Power Rankings by Mark Lisanti over on Grantland.
#1 Brynden Tully (Blackfish)
It’s the inaugural power rankings, and on his first time out at bat Blackfish crushes it. Game of Thrones is a show ruled by grizzled, hard old bearded bastards, and it’s a testament to Brynden Tully that on his first appearance he distinguishes himself among them like an ironclad Santa Claus flinging around a sack full of pure badassery.
Shunting his weasel of a nephew Edmure aside he demonstrates that Tully marksmanship should be more William Tell and less William Burroughs before chucking the bow and storming off without even a hint of looking back at the UNFETTERED FLAMING OWNAGE HE JUST UNLEASHED.
A good start and a statement of intent. The rankings are yours Mr Tully. Enjoy them you amphibian citizen.
He may be a humble, virginal squire but he’s rather handy with a spear, sticks by your side and is an all around thoroughly respectful fellow. Another good first time showing (of a different sort), young Pod handles multiple prostitutes better than Patrick Bateman, and whether or not you want to call it beginners luck – any man capable of schooling Bronn and Tyrion on the art of whoremongering is a man to be reckoned with.
#3 Tywin Lannister
No big power plays from the lord of the Dance this week. A patient man, Tywin is happy to while away the episode, smugly observing a roomful of idiots navigate a seating arrangement before belittling the Kings Landing braintrust for being incapable of handling information gathering that even ISIS could manage.
It’s a more subdued appearance from Daddy Lannister than we’re accustomed to, but expect to see Tywin drop the rest of the competition in the coming weeks like so much horse shit falling on the throne room floor. Keep your eyes on the Warden of the West, Tywin’s legacy will be atop these power rankings, and a Lannister never forgets (!?).
The sellsword places well this week purely on the strength of his ‘Twat Beard’ comment about Littlefinger. His sagely advice to Pod clearly didn’t go amiss either (“pace yourself lad”), just remember not to loan him money.
#5 Robb Stark
Normally handing down a Tuckeresque bollocking on the scale of what Robb serves up to his nebbish Uncle would easily earn a spot in the top three, but it’s just ever so slightly less impressive when the guy on the receiving end would be better suited as the anointed cheese bearer to House Tyrell than as a Northern hard case.
Nevertheless, Robb deftly lays out some of the disadvantages of scaring off a prime , 8 foot tall slab of monstrous, brother barbecuing tactical win for a nice mill and some obscure Lannister cubs Tywin probably wouldn’t let fetch his bathrobes back at Casterly Rock. Seriously, when your own nephew is explaining the basics of warfare to you, you’re either watching him play Civ V or are realising that you are woefully under equipped for Lordly life commanding troops in a feudal society.
Robb, you may only be King in the North, but this week you have earned the honorary title of ‘decorated bollocker of House Capaldi’. Wear it with pride young wolf.
# 6 Tyrion Lannister
Underestimating one’s squire, only to have said squire return, slapping you across the face with his (apparently considerable) prowess is not the kind of tactical oversight we normally expect from savvy power rankings power player Tyrion.
He is of course regaining his composure after a spectacular last season marred by a late injury, and these rankings are understanding of the little man’s *AHEM*, shortcomings considering what we’ve come to expect. Still, he’s set the bar rather high for himself so he’d best get cracking.
Considering Bronn has a better idea on the state of his finances than he does, perhaps Tyrion isn’t the best choice for the role of Goldmaster Moneypots, but he does select only the finest of spear handlers and knot weavers to service his squire – and the barbs he shoots Littlefinger’s way fly far truer than arrows at a Tully funeral.
“Try whores? Try a fucking Gillette Littlefinger you whispy shitwipe”
#7 Brienne of Tarth
It’s been a tough time of late for behemothic Brienne. First she had to watch love of her life Renly being bitchassinated by a sort of wanky, spectral shadow Stannis, poofing through the tent like a bad, fratricidal fart before enduring a Medieval version of Midnight Run all the while being whined at by a homeless sister fucker.
For being such a good sport, and for putting up such a good fight in the face of THE SECOND ATTEMPTED GANG RAPE OF THE NIGHT, Brienne earns seventh place. In fact, honourable mention to sister fucker extraordinaire Jamie, whose silver tongued verbiage spared us the aforementioned homage to the Shawshank redemption. Give the man a hand, he could use one.
#8 Jorah Mormont
“Is it ‘us’ already, Ser Barristan?”
Ser Barristan (or to give him his proper title, Old Man Ownage) may well be one of the greatest fighters the seven kingdoms has ever seen, but he’ll have to learn to parlay the patented passive aggressive Mormont one liners to make it in the free cities.
There’s only room for one swarthy old timer on this side of the narrow sea Barristan!
“Your fires burn low my King”
Ooooh sick burn. The Red Lady sails off, leaving Stan the man in the lurch with absolutely no one to correct on minor grammatical errors or to choke half to death on a whim. Considering the tumescence inducing powers of Sildenafil have presumably not reached Westeros just yet, Melisandre takes off to wreak her sexy magic on some unlucky throne seeker – or knowing his luck, a quivering Hot Pie who really just wants to be left alone to bake bread and nurse his burnt digits.
(SPOILERS: Hot Pie is Roberts true bastard. Obvious really, you’d be a fool to miss that).
Ghost looks across the ragged tundra of the north. Beyond twisted wind battered trees, the walking feast calls out feebly to him. This man has no chance of survival out here, as unsuited to the environment as a Direwolf is to feeling fear. Jon would save this man, protect him. Even though he is a feast. Even though he is weak.
Ghost turns nonchalantly and continues walking. Ghost gives no fucks.
Not Ranked: Stannis’s dwindling fires, Jamie’s good hand, the iron bank of Braavos, Theon’s bare ass, gang rape, mysterious archer, that girl who used to be in Hollyoaks, Hot Pie, unbesmirched, Varys’s facial expressions, the Lil’ Lannisters, Jon Snow’s burgeoning facial hair.